Chapter 2: Dating ‘Shaadi’ men

To  keep my poor, tortured and innocent parents happy (who still persuade themselves that I have never been touched by a man, leave alone went on a mission to try all sorts of positions to figure out which one I was particularly fond of), I signed on to Shaadi.com. Their tender sensibilities were duly satisfied, with special credit to the lovely advertising that the site has used to attract all unsuspecting parents of unfortunate progeny. In my view, the insane simpering woman in the ad basically promises to give up her career and individuality in worship of the brute of known means. 

However, all men are not created equal- only some are created by mothers who knowingly or unknowingly are unleashing evil on the female race and propagating stereotypes. Especially to blame are the ABCD men who have been reared on a diet of India that their parents left behind in the 70s… these men dream of village belles clothed in virginal white with cookery, singing and dancing skills along with a masters in education (to keep up with the modern times after all, we need educated village belles). Never mind that there is still a high rate of female infanticide in the villages, poor standards of education especially amongst the so-called ‘business class’ and increasing cases of sexual experimentation amongst the teens…. Let us not disillusion the ABCD guy who dreams of the docile bride who has protected her hymen against the sordid world and will bring it as a gift to the marital bed. While waiting for this pussy of gold, these poor boys in the meantime will try to screw anything in sight – after all, their gift back should be one of skill and sexual prowess to keep the said golden woman satisfied for all her life with one man.

I have started to wonder what the fetish about marrying virgins is with some of these men.  I am guessing that since Indian men are usually blessed with unsightly body hair, overactive sweat glands and a below-average sized penis, the virginal fascination may be to ensure lack of comparison. Which man wants the woman, when she sees his fully erect family jewels, to exclaim ‘how cute- it’s the size of my little finger’ or wondering whether it takes some persuading to emerge from the bushes?

However, with much trepidation, I dared to go on a couple of dates with the ‘shaadi’ men. The first one spent nearly half a hour in shock that I dared suggest we have a bottle of wine (I mean, the reason he wanted to meet a recent transplant from the motherland is that they drink milk and honey and not fermented grapes)... I appropriately toned it down and just ordered a glass (which helped eventually for me to escape quickly- imagine trying to down a bottle while plotting my escape in 1 hour!!!). To be fair, the gentleman did pay for the dinner and offered to give me another chance to redeem myself in the next date.

The next  one spent time regaling me with stories on some of the excellent women he met (never mind that the so called accomplished ladies came up with all sorts of excuses to avoid the second date); another one shared his Plan B- his aunt would find him a nice woman back in the village in India the next time he visited in case he could not find a suitable bride nearshore. Yet another brazenly inquired why such a fine specimen as I has not been taken out of circulation yet- obviously wondering why his other brethren have passed on me.. . no matter that he was twice divorced and had a stable of kids somewhere.  The string of ‘shaadi’ dates continues with an inevitable conclusion of me narrowly escaping going bald by tearing my hair out in frustration.

So now, I have invested in a range of wigs to give my natural follicles a respite but I still go on the infrequent ‘shaadi’ dates – because to be honest, I like a man who has figured out that he desires commitment.. .though the fact, that most of them should be committed is another story altogether.